In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
