don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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