As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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