So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
