dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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