How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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