We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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