I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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