I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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