Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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