you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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