don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
