hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
