I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
and eventually we just all took our pants off
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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