He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
