K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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