Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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