Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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