I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
