my phone needs a breathalizer
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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