his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
