I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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