i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
its liver damage thursday
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
