im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
