Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
