He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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