i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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