Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
