You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
