I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
