does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
