Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
