No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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