thus making me awesome and them whores
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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