I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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