She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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