my phone needs a breathalizer
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it hurts more in the daytime
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
