pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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