I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
