im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
