I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
