How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
