I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
