I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FUCK WHALES
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
