We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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