I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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