She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
