like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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