There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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