sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
