Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
