I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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