so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
