he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
