Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
