Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
