At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
