I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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